I’ve had a lot on my mind lately. Most of it serious, at least to me. Some of it not. Nonetheless, career path, family, health, dreams, death, my wife, my sore foot, the Dodgers and Mariners, my living situation and a host of other things cram themselves into every available nook and cranny of my brain. The most prevalent however is my unsettling desire to be happy.
Everybody has their own definition of “happy.” My interpretation changes as often as the wind. Right now being happy doesn’t fall into one specific category. It’s an overall feeling of being stress-free. Being comfortable with who I am and my place in the universe. Having no worries about age and health. Knowing that my wife will be taken care of after I say goodbye. What if I don’t get to say goodbye? What if I die unexpectedly? She will definitely have to get a job. Is she too old? Wait a minute, there’s the life insurance, surely that will help. Crap, I better get one of those executive physicals so I can be proactive and live long enough to at least give us a fighting chance financially. That’s the least I can do.
I am smart enough to know that my vision of happiness is too vague. There’s always going to be something. Drama, illness and sorrow can all rear their ugly heads at anytime they see fit. Sometimes all on the same day. I’ve had long periods of time where I was trouble free. But most of those times were when I was younger. I didn’t think about half this shit when I was just concentrating on my career and hooking up with girls. I had nothing but time, health and energy. I’m not an old man, but I sure can’t recover from a bad decision like I used to.
The one thing I can take from those earlier days is the overall feeling of trust. I just knew everything was going to be ok. I felt protected. I had no experience so I acted purely on gut. That’s it!!! That’s what I can do. I can get back to that! It never let me down. Ever. The universe will still take care of me. I didn’t do anything to piss it off. As of right now I’m going to take all those thoughts thumping inside my head and move them right down into my heart. There they will be sorted out and loved. There they will each get the attention or the absolute neglect that they deserve. I need to listen with my heart. I need to feel the answers and when I get them, I need to to take action and smother them with love.
My heart and gut are a powerful team. In fact they’re undefeated. Let the winning streak continue.